19

There is nothing fancy about being 19. I speak out of (relatively short) experience. I still can’t drink in NC (God knows that’s an obstacle), can’t get married in Senegal and Tunisia, can’t consent to sex in South Korea (good to know), can’t vote in Saudi Arabia (JOKE. Nobody can) but hey – I get to be able to drive a 5+ seat farm truck in Canada! That should count for something.

For most people, the eighteenth birthday is the time to reflect on your new societal role as an adult and perhaps be scared a little; when you become 18 you may think about the possible naiveté of your goals for the future, your life and what have you actually become: whether you like it or not, feel satisfied or disappointed – you may think about all of those things and mature during the process.

Well, my 18^th birthday was not, so to speak, a Socratic moment of self-realization. To tell the truth, I got drunk off my ass in a local bar in which we even got the bartender wasted and the last thing I remember was crawling up the stairs to my room WITH MY MOM’S HELP. Yes, it was a mistake; I concede to critiques of the choice of entertainment. One such came, I believe, the next morning from the bar’s owner, who caught his waiters reading a book about blowjobs that I was given as a birthday present.

Owner:                               You guys forgot this book last night right?

Me:                        Yes.

Owner:                 Listen up kid, I don’t care about people raging but you guys were disgusting. People complained about the noise you were making. I had to call the EMS for your buddy who passed away. There was vomit all over the god damned toilet. And on top of that you got my bartender drinking with you. Son, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

(Silence)

Owner:                 And today I find this sick peace of obscene shit with your name on it?! I want you to listen to me very carefully now: I don’t want any of you guys ever again in my bar. I don’t wanna see you ever again. If that is what you consider “fun” go do it somewhere else. YOU GOT ME?? Now get out.

Me:                        Can I get my book back?

Owner:                 Go to hell with your book.

At this point I was supposed to start thinking and reflecting upon my life, however, I did not. Wisely perhaps, I decided to postpone the inevitable maturation until my next birthday – which happens to be now! I am not going to try to make a summa summarum of my life (who cares anyways?) BUT I’ll make a list of ten things to do until I’m 20 – taking the future year-by-year.

1.       BE NICER TO PEOPLE. Need to stop commenting on people’s weight (“look at that fatass!”) and focus on reducing my own. Also, I shouldn’t make sexist/politically incorrect jokes. Some of them can be hilarious and awesome and cool but they offend people.

2.       DRINK LESS. At this point (and I’m talking about a lot of Duke Freshmen) it’s really either drinking less or joining AA. It is pretty self-explanatory. Drinking is bad because it makes you listen to cheesy 80’s music when you get wasted. Drinking is also a huge environmental hazard: the plastic and glass from the cups damages our Earth and in some unclear way this is probably connected to our Atmosphere so, it’s bad. Drinking is also health damaging because it increases the chance of you having a cigarette after a drink, which is really bad for your lungs.

3.       DON’T GO TO SHOOTERS. This is a matter of honor: I got kicked out of Shooters once, if that would happen twice it would be really touching the bottom. So, since I can’t run this risk it’s better to avoid going there at all. It is, however, debatable whether it is worse to be kicked out of Shooters twice or to be kicked out of Shooters and Fuji once, respectively.

4.       REMOVE A KESHA POSTER FROM THE WALL. Another self-explanatory task, this will be a tough one, and it will require a suitable replacement. (If you are a slutty Duke or UNC girl reading this, and you would like to be considered as a candidate, do send your pictures)

5.       VISIT THE DUKE GARDENS. And climb the Chapel, too. I feel bad for not doing it this year.

6.       STOP being lazy. For instance, start actually going to Psych11 lectures and to the swimming pool. Napping and exercising are prerequisites for good health.

7.       E-MAIL THE FLU CREW and tell them that a) you have only conceded to giving blood because of the cookies they offered b) although you support the global effort to fight disease you DON’T CARE about their study to the extent of reading daily spam mails and reporting your body temperature and health every day c) that you tried to remove yourself from the mailing list and you COULDN’T and then you tried to remove their group from your blackboard and you COULDN’T and then, again, you tried to block that spammer who’s sending you mails every day and you, again, FAILED – thus, you really, really want the Flu Crew out of your life.

8.       READ Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina” without hating on her dress, which is described in approximately 10 pages. Plus you know the gist of the plot – she’s a Russian cougar with kids, who falls for an army dude, then she suffers and divorces from her phlegmatic husband, then she suffers some more, after which she jumps in front of a train and dies.

9.       UTILIZE eight pong balls lying idly in my room.

10.   DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL. Help make positive change to the campus where you live. How can someone be fine with the idea of living four years in a place and not wanting to make it better – so that, once you leave you feel that you didn’t waste time? In the brainstorm of 6000 bright and creative undergraduate minds it is sometimes hard to point out to a really good idea – but once consensus is reached, the limits of what we can do are very high.

So… that was the to-do list for the 20^th year of my life. It really doesn’t pay off to do the thinking&reflecting  before I do these awesome things.